Freaking out!!!!

Hello Blog, I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon screwed. Its not even funny!!! I have one month to revise for my exams AND do my dissertation. I am extreamly behind ... its not even funny!!!

OK i have to breathe.. I will be M free thank god, so thats one thing i dont have to obsess about. I need to do a draft chapter tonight and give it to martin so he can look at it for me on monday and so we can discuss stuff. If i have the 3 draft chapters done. Then i wont panic as much....


Im really freaking out!!!!!

Dunno What to do.....

If i stay it hurts, If i dont stay it hurts more. I dont know what to do. It was just so happy its been like a month and i had my 'secret' smile again. You know when something makes u so happy but no one else knows it and you have it inside of you. Thats what the secret smile is.. I thought it was gone but its still there.

:(

Happy Valentines :D

I hate life, i hate today and i wish i was dead :)

It still hurts

I cant help it, it hurts. I cant open my eyes without thinking about it. I dream about it.. most of the times i dont remember ... but you know how i know it was about that? i get this pain in my chest when i wake up and i know what the dream was about. The pain, the feelings whatever i do they dont go away. There isnt an hour in the day when i dont think about it. Its just inside me and i feel like i cant be free of it. I cursed it so much, i cried at every shrine i went to. I wanted it to hurt like it hurt me, i wanted its heart to burn like my heart was burning. Some messed up things in life cant be fixed. I wish it could. I would give my whole soul for it :(.

I had this one request that i cant ask because I never got a chance to ask it, so i write it here so that i wont forget it.

It was never the right time... but if one day i found it again at the right time in the right place in the right world would i get a chance to have it again . Thats my request, thats what i want, an answer to that my question.

New Yearrrrr :D

Dear Diary,

As usual i have been neglecting my blog! Quite a few interesting things have happned firstly my laptop has become NORMALLL omggg i sent it for repairs and now its become sane!!! So im very happy about that!. Also i have discovered lost online :D and so I havent been missing out since it moved to silly E4. HAHAHAHAHAH

Errmmm dige... Oh happy new year ! It was norooz last week and my sufre was lovely, i went for the simple look this year :D ..

ALSO MY BIRTHDAY WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 21!!!! I was actuallly over the moon on my b'day this year i went out with my friends we had lunch, watch a crappy film hahaa and then saw a show :D

Also with all the excitement i decided to have a Bandari Partyyyyyyyyy lool! So yea its 2morrow my theme is purpleeee and i have helium baloons which i need to go and get and my napkinsss r purpleeee and the straws etc u get the picture (im extreamly overexcited and jumping up and down...)

As for uni... well actually its kinda great toooo, My first 3 modules of the year i have got 2 B's and and A ! hahahhahah so im very happy ... as for the last 3 errrm well lets wait and seee!

Im extreamllyyy excited for 2morrrrrrrrrowww theere is still loads to do, But Happy New Year and Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeee I am so Happppyyyyy!!! :)

How can a memory feel so special and so hurtfull at the same time?

Its strange how things can change so drastically in one year.... Its weird how some days r insignificant and u cant remember them but others u can picture the moment u opened your eyes... You can remember what the alarm was on your phone.. U know exactly what you wore, what you ate, you entire route... and every detail.... Imagine if every day was a memorable day and u could remember that much detail... its possible no?

The funny thing about today is that it was one of my best days... when i looked into that mirror it was one of the best moments of my life but at the same time it was probably the worst feeling i ever experienced in my whole life.

shall i reply? what am i menna say now!

Dear Blog,

Well the title says it all dosent it! I did something mad in a moment of pure jealousy! Yup thats what it was i just couldnt take it! My face went pale, my heart dropped and i was feeling insane. If my feelings r insane then tough! Ive managed to run away from replying because a: what the hell do i say now? and the main reason, i have essays need to keep a clear head... if they reply something evil then i can deal with it in my long christmas holiday whilst they eat 'halal' turkey? lifes is really fair isnt it?

Anyways i needed to bitch a bit,

peace out

123, u all